DEAR AUNT GABBY
I’m a 15-year-old girl and a freshman. This guy who I really like is going to ask me out tomorrow. ( A friend told me he said so). This guy sleeps with girls quite frequently. I’m a virgin. I’m not ready to have sex yet. Should I go out with him?
Oh, honey, I know he is cute and you want to go out with him. But that noise you are hearing in your head is a bell going off that says, “Danger, Danger!” I know you can hear it—everyone out here can hear it, too.
My best advice to you is to resist at all costs being alone with this guy even for 5 minutes. He is not out to treat you like a wonderful, talented, beautiful jewel that you and your family and friends know you are.
Even if he is the nicest guy you know, he is dating with an agenda. He wants to get you horizontal (in bed) and will tell you anything he has to to get that. Many girls will fall for his line; that he loves you, wants to marry you, that you are the most beautiful girl in the world.
A truly nice boy who is worthy of you will also be a virgin and be terrified of you and your power over him. He will be shy or clumsy, not a smoothie who has bagged many girls in your high school.
If you are not ready, and know you are not ready, don’t hang around with anyone who is very ready–right now. Listen to yourself and trust that you are worthy of a great guy who really cares about you and your feelings.
DEAR AUNT GABBY
My boyfriend says he loves me. He says he wants to get married. He says he thinks I am amazing and beautiful. I like that , but I am afraid to get married.
The longer we are together (4 years) the angrier he gets. He curses and yells when asking where he left his phone or when he is talking to a Customer Service Representative. The littlest thing tips him over to yelling, being sarcastic, accusing me of moving things, not putting the dishes in the dishwasher “properly” and other minor irritations. It seems he is getting worse. I made a New Year’s Resolution not to get mad, yell or curse back.
When he is out in public, he is funny, charming, helpful, and much more patient. Why?
I really don’t know what to do. I have taken all the abuse I can take. He just changes the subject when I complain about his bad temper. He doesn’t think he is wrong.
What should I do?
You already know what to do. The hard part is doing it. It is always hard to do the thing you know you need to do.
Your relationship didn’t start out like this, did it? Probably not. Over time, you have allowed him to yell, pout, bully, and curse around you, and now it is your turn in the barrel. You have taught him that you can be browbeaten, will fight back a bit, but do nothing about it.
You may have a history of being browbeaten. You may have self-esteem issues or fear of being alone. Or you may have been tricked by this man.
My best advice is to go to a therapist, couples counseling, while you still care about him. Don’t expect him to change. He probably can’t. He may need medication or behaviour modification, but if he “isn’t wrong” he probably won’t do anything. If he won’t go with you, go alone, and listen. Don’t ignore these red flags of danger.
No one, including your boyfriend, deserves to be in a situation like this. If he cannot or will not work on his anger problem, I recommend getting away from him before he starts shoving you, hitting you, or throwing things. Or you do.