By Jon Stalnaker
AKA The Studebaker Dude
I am not much of a hunter even though my dad was. He taught me well and I did some hunting with him when I was younger, but I did not enjoy killing animals. The bigger the creature, the less I want to kill it. I made that decision when I went deer hunting with my father in Colorado. I killed a deer, which made dad quite proud, but the vision of how I mangled that beautiful creature’s jaw in the process, disturbed me greatly. I can smash spiders without wincing, but I don’t like to kill cockroaches or even tomato worms by stomping on them. I once caught a mouse in a mouse trap by its tail. I didn’t want to let him go but I didn’t want to have to kill him either. I did kill him, but I didn’t like it. Some creatures are just asking for it though, and the annoying gophers, and/or moles, are those varmits.
(Pardon my tangent) … I got called out on the word “varmit” by spell check. It told me that the proper spelling was “varmint”, but I don’t think there is anything minty fresh about these vermin, so excuse me if I use the word varmit. I like it better, so I have added it to my computer spell check. Now it will get off my back about it. (End of tangent) …
Gophers and moles look very much like mice and certainly fit in the category of creatures I don’t enjoy killing, pest or no pest. I can kill them in a mouse trap or any kind of similar device that does the killing for me, but striking the fatal blow, let’s just say I’d rather not. I blame Walt Disney for my unmanly shortcomings. I watched the movie Bambi in technicolor on the giant movie screen as a child. It’s no wonder I had no hunger for the kill as an adult. Disney also gave personality to the mice with the characters Mickey and Minnie. Other cartoons from my youth only echoed Walt’s fantasies. But I blame Walt Disney in jest as I hate it when people won’t take responsibility for their own deeds. Yes, I don’t like to kill, but I don’t judge those of you that do, especially when it comes to varmits, and even when it comes to peaceful beautiful creatures such as deer and doves. I am guilty of the same such carnage.
Getting back to those pesky varmits, they are wreaking havoc on my property. Mowing my lawn is like four-wheeling. I can forget about having a smooth lawn. I don’t mind that so much as it looks fine with me as long as I keep it cut and edged, but we are trying to make our yard attractive with flowers and plants and these little punks mess it up. Just when I think it’s under control, I get a dirt mound in the middle of the lawn or flower bed. When that happens, it’s time to take them on. My neighbor Daniel taught me to use the GopherHawk, an efficient tool to capture (and hopefully kill) those dang pests. He showed me how to use it with his own GopherHawk, so I bought one for myself should they come back. They were gone for a while but came back about a week ago. Time to put my new skills to work. It managed to capture and kill the first two intruders but the third one came out captured and kicking. He was alive but was suffering some injuries that surely would lead to a sad prognosis. I could justify termination of his precious little life as euthanasia. So, I whacked him with a big spade and the movement stopped. The poor little creature was no longer suffering, and I had done my part to eliminate the annoying intrusion of my property. I would rather have just posted a sign stating “keep out” to the varmits but they are lousy readers and don’t see that well either. So, fair warning vermin, I may not like killing y’all, but I will do it, even if it means the hard way.
