By Linda Miller
Almost a year and a half ago my husband departed this earth for his eternal home. My caring church family paid for four professional counseling sessions. I was in a state of shock during the first few months of my loss and the counseling sessions helped me process what happened to us. Midway through the first year of my loss I attended Grief Share, a twelve-week program for people suffering the loss of a loved one. Then, it was time for more help on my journey of mourning. I attended a six-week spousal loss group through the Tristesse Grief Center in Tulsa. We each honored our spouses with a mini memorial to their lives. It helped me so much as I shared tidbits about my fun-loving, helpful, servant-hearted husband. As much as possible I’ve allowed family members, friends, and strangers to help me on my new path. If you’ve lost a loved one, don’t go it alone. We need each other, even if we think we don’t!
As a hospital chaplain, I have experience and training in loss and bereavement through Seminary courses and post-Graduate on the job training in Clinical Pastoral Education. You may think this prepared me for the sudden loss of my husband. It helps because I know what the signs of grief and mourning are but knowing is one thing, and feeling inner pain is another. The pain of loss is deep. Each day I am learning how to walk this new, unfamiliar walk.
Bereavement/grief/healing resources are helpful, especially trusted groups, books, and websites. Sharing my thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend or person helps me find release from being alone with my thoughts.
I recall a quote, “Grief only exists where love lived first.” We grieve because we loved. The love is in our hearts to stay, just as our relationship with our loved one has a permanent space in our heart. Even as we move along and love others and possibly love another spouse, our departed loved one will always be part of us. There is room in our hearts for all kinds of people and I believe our hearts expand as we love and allow ourselves to be loved. Allowing others to love us and allowing ourselves to love others helps heal our hearts. We are created for relationships. As the old saying goes “No man is an island.” We need people, even more, when we’ve suffered a loss of any kind. Through our relationship with God and others, we can be made whole again.
Right after a loved one departs this earth; we need to be loved and cared for by others. It is normal to experience a lower energy level after a loved one dies. It often takes effort just to get out of bed, go to work, or take care of regular chores such as making the bed, or cooking meals. Extending emotional energy to show love to others may just be too much for a time. It is okay to care for yourself. It is appropriate for a time to let others do for you what you normally do. This is the time to accept help and encouragement from others. Mourning the loss of our loved one is a journey, but we don’t have to take the journey alone. God has people and resources to help us. It is up to us to receive the helping hands and caring hearts who come along our way.
Helpful Resources
The Tristesse Grief Center (Tulsa)
Stephens Ministries (Journeying Through Grief, 4 booklets)
Linda Miller is a licensed minister, chaplain, Bible teacher, and author. Her Good Word for Today radio program airs each Saturday from 10:15 am -10:30 am on HOPE 94.3 FM, McAlester; also available on mobile devices. You can reach Linda by text at 918-361-1158 or by email.
